garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
