Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
