JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
