Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
