can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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