if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
