you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
