Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Randomize
