I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
