So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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