I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
