Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
