I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I forgot how hot balto sounded
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
