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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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