I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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