i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
