I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We left the knife in your bed.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
