yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
