Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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