please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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