I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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