Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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