PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
