oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm passing your future prison.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
