First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
