guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
