I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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