Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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