Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
