how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
