I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I still have a little drunk in my system
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
