Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
where are you?
Hypothermia
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
