There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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