Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
