it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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