Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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