u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
