im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
