Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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