At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We're too hungover to prance.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
