Already got asked if we're dating
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
