Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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