I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize