in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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