So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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