If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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