Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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