ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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