I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
