I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
