erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
