I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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