I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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