well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
