Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
