this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
