Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
