Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How naked do you want me to be?
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