I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
