I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
