This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize