I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
