I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
