If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
