i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
