i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
